家中最小

三天前，我们家小妹麦当娜要到柔佛州出差。。
她与我相差9个月。
想一想在她那年龄的我已自己搭过飞机到澳洲，印尼等，还常常自己到柔佛搭公共巴士到新加坡，自己一个人到新加坡这个大城市去探索游玩。
当时的我自己寻找交通工具，自己认路，天不怕，地不怕。
所以，这次我们的小妹要到柔佛，有人帮她安排机票，交通及住宿，我也没怎么担心。
可是！
到了该赶去机场的时刻，小妹她不知怎么慌了，连要整理一个15kg的行旅她都不行，在那里跳着跟我们求救。。
看她那么可怜我也从电脑前站起来帮她从新整理，20分钟后就好了。

看着她出门，心里还是有些不安，担心这个小妹会不会照顾自己，会不会出什么问题，之前那些信心全都不见了。。在我旁边的伟康大哥也皱着眉头显得很着急。。
不过，人依然要长大，她就匆匆忙忙地走了。。

这一天的我学会了每个人，随年龄相同，能力不一样，我们依然需要互相照顾。
此外，我也了解了我妈的感受，感谢她对我的信心，长长要勇敢地面对我充满了冒险的生活习惯。。实在不容易！
因为她的信心，我有了今天的经历。。
我妈很赞！

His Day

On THIS day, I cried in my room the entire night. Went to play with my dog for some comfort, and cried again.

I can't do it. I can't just forgo the fact that he was selfish, he left and he's still the same. I can't lie to myself. I can't love.

Every trip home I would make it a point to visit him, to spend time having meals with him and going for movies with him. Every cell inside my body was unwilling. But I did it. Why? I'm afraid. I'm afraid one day he would not be here anymore and I would regret not giving enough to him. Yes, perhaps you can say, I'm selfish too by doing all these for myself. But it doesn't make me feel good at all. Every time I'm reminded of his selfishness, his absentee, all the tough times and most importantly, my past.

There's 101 things he wasn't..
He wasn't the first man I fell in love with
He wasn't the man that defended me
He wasn't the man that accepts me for who I am
He wasn't the role model of my life
He wasn't the provider for my life
He wasn't the provider for my education
He wasn't the one that sacrificed for me
He wasn't there.

For the things that he was..
He was the fierce figure at home that I would go straight back into my room when he's around
He was the one that expects me to meet all his expectations
He was the one that shows no grace for my failures
He was the one that wanted my mother to abort me
He was the one that threatened to pour acid on our entire family
He was the one that took all my mother's money
He was the one that made my mother go crazy, depressed and suicidal
He was the one that told me he will never provide for my education when I was 16
He was the one that lied to me and took all my savings

He is my father.

Yesterday was his day. I read tweets about everyone celebrating and appreciating their father. As a Christian leader, I'm supposed to love, set an example, appreciate my father.

But I can't be a hypocrite. This ain't what's going on in my heart. I wanna be real.

This is how I am feeling today. I'm not sure how many of you can identify with my situation, but this is the real me.

I'm not being negative. I'm just being real. I still believe. I believe there'll be a breakthrough. The fact that I'm still alive and living my life now is already a miracle.

More breakthroughs are ahead. Things are bad but I don't need to waste my life being a drunkard, messing around with guys, giving up on myself. I move forward. My own godly family, my own future, my selfless life for others is what I'm anticipating. :)

Passingby

Hey there Mr. Passer-by!
Wait upppppp! Don't go so fast!
I wanna enjoy you a little more in my life.
(:

Bamboo Pen and Touch

Been wanting to get a wacom since 3 years ago. Finally......... ;)

First attempt! Yay!

The Chronicles of a Cell Leader

Was doing my devo this morning and got captured by 2 verses.

Will share 1 here today.

Proverbs 27:6 (New King James Version)

⁶ Faithful are the wounds of a friend,
But the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.

As a cell leader, this is often the dilemma that I face.
When a cell member is found committing a certain sin, I will have no doubt that discipline has to take place for those who does not repent. However, a million questions will arise from my little pastoral heart.

Questions like... Can he bear the weight of the discipline? Will he get into depression? Will he give up and turn away from God after this? Or even is my leadership the right way?
Well, very often, I would find my answer in 1 line - The strong shall remain.

Today, yours truly is very encouraged by Pro 27:6
Thinking about it, Zacchaeus was not being comforted by Jesus when he was convicted of his sin.
Rather, Jesus allowed him to pay back to all those whom he has took from in many folds.
Jesus did not said "Oh, I understand how you feel. As long as you feel sorry, that's enough."
Jesus still wanted Zaccheaus to pay the price for the sins that he committed.

A lot of times we may try to make our friends comfortable when they are convicted. Or we would even shut an eye as a pastoral leader.
But beware, for you might be giving your friends a kiss as an enemy.
Sometimes the holy spirit is working through our friend and things need to be uncomfortable.
So don't ever try to make things comfortable for him and destroy the plans of God in his life.

I always say this to my cell members, even people may hate you, but if you love them, you need to help them change and come out from the ungodly lifestyle.


After all, faithful are the wounds of a friend.

Confession of a daugther.

21 years ago, because of a woman, I was here in this world.
Even before I was born, she stood strong and insisted to my dad that she would not abort me.
Since then, all her life, she spent raising me and my brother.
From the milk powder to the exercise books in school, she spend every single cent of her salary.
Her life was all about us.
Few years later, dad left and it wasn't a peaceful one.
She held on to life, facing all the gossips and humiliation of the people, financial burdens that she has to bare alone, words can never be enough to tell what she has went through.
Every day she sends us to school and goes to work, sometimes 2 jobs.
She tried selling art materials, teaching art classes etc. Or maybe more that I didn't know.
With the little time left, she took care of our meals and everything we needed.
She was the handyman at home. Took care of the lights, clogged drainage, leaking ceiling, everything!
As a woman, she has to go to the car workshop alone. Stay there for hours to wait for the fix cause there's no one there to send her home.
As a mother, she tried her best to cover the role of a father. She brought us for vacations, drove us outstation all alone.
And I know, every night she would cry alone in her bedroom.

She could have re-marry for life to be easier. Find a man who would take care of all of us.
But she didn't. Because she didn't want us to have another complicated family.
Everything was because of us.


I am forever grateful beyond words.
My dream is to give her the best life ever in the coming days.
I love my mother.

Any resemblance? ;)

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