One of my once in a blue moon but deadly emotional attacks came to the visit again. I don't know about you, but this is a battle i need to fight since I was a kid due to my family back ground and upbringing. It is a very strong feeling of being neglected and unloved and it happens when people around me are too busy for me, they don't count me into their outings or when they left me out on a movie session. The question frequently revolves around my self value in someone Else's eyes. Thoughts such as "Others are more important than me" or "I'm always secondary" would flood my mind and bring my whole person to the lowest pit.
I've seek for help and read hundreds of books. The one and only solution that is really working for me is to find my security in God alone. Now, what does it mean to do that? How can I do that if I don't even know who or 'what' is this God you're talking about? For me, when these attacks come, I would usually cry myself to sleep alone in my bed room. But as I began to go to church and read the bible, I found out that the way God looked at me was different from how I looked at myself. I thought nobody is interested to care about me. But God said He knew me in my mother's womb and has plans for me even before I was born. I thought I am always a notch lower than others. But God said I was made to be the head and not the tail. I thought I am weak and useless. But God said I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me and when I am weak, He is strong. As I began to read even more or listen to Pastor's preaching, I realized I was made for a great purpose. And my life is a beautiful design. I'm not an unwanted child of my parents that they didn't happen to abort, I am fearfully and wonderfully made. The best thing is, there is someone that actually died for me so that all my sins(the lies that I've spoke, wrong things that I've done, rules that I've broke) would be taken away from me and I can be pure and clean once again! Wow! Don't you think that's amazing? I definitely prefer to believe that I'm created by an awesome God who loves me than believing that I'm an evolution of the monkeys!
Well, knowing all these and feeling happy about it is one thing. But having it as a head knowledge simply isn't enough. How can I actually apply it in my life? Well, thank God the bible teaches us all things! That is why it is called Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth you see.. Haha..
Romans 10:9
9 that if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.
*Tadaaa* One of the ways that I've learned is confessing! 1 year ago, the very same attack came upon me when I was driving alone to the shopping mall. I was all upset and was ready to cry and the Holy Spirit came and challenged me to speak into my situation. I actually ignored it at the first place as I was very comfortably victimizing myself. But on the other hand, I didn't want to go to the mall with a sour face too. It was tough and hard. Finally, I stood up and did it. I still remembered the first thing that came out from my mouth was "This is not the truth!" and then I kept confessing my victory over this whole situation based on the word of God. What came to my horror was that I didn't felt better. The self pityness became stronger and I cried even harder. But I kept pressing on, kept on believing and proclaiming my victory. It was really a hard and tough journey. But as I kept doing it for 5 minutes, the whole atmosphere changed suddenly. My self pity feelings disappeared. Tears were still coming down from my eyes, but I just felt alright and VICTORIOUS! WOW! That was the first time I won the battle! Hazel always told me to stand up and fight! And she said that once you won the first battle, the rest of it would be a piece of cake. I was so okay and I went to the mall to shop happily :D
So there goes my first time. Yes of course it comes back. But each and every time it becomes easier and easier to overcome. Thinking about it reminds me that what Dr. Cho taught in Asia Conference 2010 was true! Our words and vision are the only things that can enter the 4th dimension. Words can be heard but cannot be felt and seen. It is something in the 3rd dimension that carries the characteristic of the 4th dimension. Wow! There is power in my confession and proclamation! And trust me, I've changed from crying myself to sleep to praying and worshiping God for 15 minutes!
This time it came again with it's usual ways. So I grabbed the guitar and began to pray.. Yes, the feelings are strong, I felt abandoned, rejected and neglected. Tears began to flood my eyes as I was praying. But all of a sudden, I moved into a different perspection. Something inside of me stirred me and asked this question "How was God feeling?" I felt so shock and guilty trying to answer the question. Yes, there were many times when I was thinking about what to do at night after classes, my answers would be watching movies, catching up with friends, shopping etc etc. Rarely did the thought of "I'm free tonight! Whatcha wanna do God?" appeared in my mind. Don't get me wrong, I do my devotions, but what I'm trying to say here is I realized that devotion is not enough. Rather than arranging our time with God like our classes which is from 9-10 in the morning, He should be someone we dine with, someone we hang out with and date!
This is the lesson I've learnt. God is my best friend and yet I neglected Him without knowing it. I'm learning and changing. What about you? Would you tell your friends you have something on tonight and that something is actually your date with God?
