His Day

On THIS day, I cried in my room the entire night. Went to play with my dog for some comfort, and cried again.

I can't do it. I can't just forgo the fact that he was selfish, he left and he's still the same. I can't lie to myself. I can't love.

Every trip home I would make it a point to visit him, to spend time having meals with him and going for movies with him. Every cell inside my body was unwilling. But I did it. Why? I'm afraid. I'm afraid one day he would not be here anymore and I would regret not giving enough to him. Yes, perhaps you can say, I'm selfish too by doing all these for myself. But it doesn't make me feel good at all. Every time I'm reminded of his selfishness, his absentee, all the tough times and most importantly, my past.

There's 101 things he wasn't..
He wasn't the first man I fell in love with
He wasn't the man that defended me
He wasn't the man that accepts me for who I am
He wasn't the role model of my life
He wasn't the provider for my life
He wasn't the provider for my education
He wasn't the one that sacrificed for me
He wasn't there.

For the things that he was..
He was the fierce figure at home that I would go straight back into my room when he's around
He was the one that expects me to meet all his expectations
He was the one that shows no grace for my failures
He was the one that wanted my mother to abort me
He was the one that threatened to pour acid on our entire family
He was the one that took all my mother's money
He was the one that made my mother go crazy, depressed and suicidal
He was the one that told me he will never provide for my education when I was 16
He was the one that lied to me and took all my savings

He is my father.

Yesterday was his day. I read tweets about everyone celebrating and appreciating their father. As a Christian leader, I'm supposed to love, set an example, appreciate my father.

But I can't be a hypocrite. This ain't what's going on in my heart. I wanna be real.

This is how I am feeling today. I'm not sure how many of you can identify with my situation, but this is the real me.

I'm not being negative. I'm just being real. I still believe. I believe there'll be a breakthrough. The fact that I'm still alive and living my life now is already a miracle.

More breakthroughs are ahead. Things are bad but I don't need to waste my life being a drunkard, messing around with guys, giving up on myself. I move forward. My own godly family, my own future, my selfless life for others is what I'm anticipating. :)